Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
