Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
