He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
