evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
