i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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