im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
