Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
