I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
