I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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