The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
