you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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