Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
