He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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