I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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