Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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