Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
