I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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