i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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