I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
