I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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