Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
