im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
