Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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