Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
