I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
