I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
