I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
