i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
