I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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