Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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