I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
