and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?