Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.