I wish they made helmets for livers.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
