okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now