i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My vagina just recognized that song.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
