I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
