There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
