too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
