For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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