well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
