we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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