hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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