I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
