You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
