I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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