Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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