Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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