Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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