If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
