the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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