You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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