Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
