my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
