In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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