I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
