Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
