if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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