What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
