If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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