I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
