the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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