My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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