its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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