i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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